Is this the day...........?

I ask my self - Is this the day that I am going to die?What if I die today - just like that.Am I prepared?Will it matter to people that I was ever there?I ask my self all these questions on this cold January afternoon sitting in my bed - sick ,lonely and restless.With no one to talk to and a lot of work left to do I browse through the pages of "Tuesdays With Morrie" and ask myself these difficult and awkward questions.

I am not able to find any proper answer ........may be because I am afraid to die but at the same time not enthusiastic enough to live.At times it seems as if each day is just a labor.I am doing what I wanted so desperately but somehow I am not enjoying it.

I am searching for answers but I am able find none.Google doesn't help. Some how I strongly believe that I will not live see my 40th birthday.There is no logic to this hunch but I feel very strongly that I will die before I am 40.That leaves me with about 16 yrs to do what I want to do and the this that I fell strongly about .Just 16 yrs.Is that enough?I don't know but I hope that I will get all my answers in the next 16yrs .....because after that I wont be asking any further.

Why I hate new years.........

Its 1st January,the first day of 2008 and the world is busy celebrating as if there is no tomorrow.I never understood why people celebrate like this.I just cant understand people going and crowding every park,temple,club,shopping mall and pretend that they are having a great time.Most do it without any reason,they just do it because others do it.

I hate the feeling of saying goodbye....for me 2007 has been a year of goodbyes and 2008 will be more so.Saying goodbye to family,goodbye to old friends(Samarendra n Silu),good bye to cousin's who were much more than brothers...Saswat(Situ bhai),Somu and many more.I dont want to celebrate a year which will draw me further away from my roots,from my home town - Cuttack,my old man (my grand father) and all those whom I care for.I don't want to celebrate the loss of innocence,the end of dreams - dreams that I can never ever see again,parting away with people - people whom I will never be able to meet again.

As I move forward to make a career and chase my dreams , I am feeling so very lonely in this journey....I wish time could just stop and I can turn back the clock and get back all that I have lost to time.

And for all those who are reading this ,did I say "Happy New Year".

This post is dedicated to Saswat.I just had a great time with you.....Thank you for everything.